OPINION: Russia Annexes the Sun

But on the bright side, at last, universal justice is achieved.

In a brilliant move acclaimed by all peace-loving people everywhere, the Holy Emperor and Leader for Life (HELL), Field Marshall Vladimir Putin the Great, today announced that the Russian Federation was annexing the sun.

The move, which followed a free and fair referendum in which 100 percent of the sun’s inhabitants voted enthusiastically to join the federation, was immediately ratified by 110 percent of the Russian parliament. (Editors’ note: The Russian parliament is called the “Duma”, as it is a center for deep thinking, and “Dum” is the Russian word for thought. “Dum” shares a common Indo-European linguistic root with the English word “doom,” and should be pronounced accordingly. It should under no circumstances be pronounced like the English word “dumb,” however tempting this may be.)

Commenting on the correct vote, the HELL said “Russia deserves its place in the sun. Now we shall have it.”

The most eminent world leaders were quick to approve the move. Exemplary was the comment offered by Dear Leader Kim Jung Un of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea who said “For too long, the Wall Street Imperialists and their Seoul regime running dogs have exploited the light of the sun, without due payment to the socialist peoples of the world, represented by their loving vanguard. We expect to get our cut.”

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Ukrainian lawmakers were advised to limit their presence in the area and were urged to ensure the safety of their families.

Germany’s leaders were also supportive. As Chancellor Olaf Scholz explained, “This shows the wisdom of our policy of restraint with regard to Ukraine. If we had sent tanks to aid that country, as some foolishly argued, we would have no sunlight today. But now, our access to sunlight is assured. Provided it does not snow, this will allow us to shut down our remaining nuclear power plants while still keeping some of our lights on all winter.”

While it is true that the initial force deployed as part of the military-technical operation sent to occupy the sun has not reported back, reinforcements are on the way to secure Russia’s rightful solar territory. In accord with the HELL’s wishes, the Duma has approved a decree ordering a partial mobilization that will recruit 300,000 volunteers to the armed forces of the Russian federation. (Editors note: In order to make sure that the quota is met, 3,000,000 will actually be conscripted. This will cause minimum disruption in the nation’s social life, however, as this limited number of volunteers are expected to be drawn entirely from uninfluential regions of the federation.)

The disappearance of the initial occupation force has raised concerns in some quarters that solar surface temperatures may prove excessive for the newly mobilized volunteers. However, the Russian Ministry of Defense has responded swiftly to quell such rumors. In a characteristic demonstration of its complete honesty, the MoD frankly admitted that “mistakes were made” during the initial phases of the solar military-technical operation, and those responsible for it have been duly defenestrated. But under their new leadership the volunteers’ safety will be assured, as they will not be dropped on to the sun until November, when conditions will be cooler, and in any case, they will go at night.

Some urged more aggressive action. Acclaimed Chechen military leader Ramzan Kadyrov denounced the MoD’s cautious approach. “What nonsense!” he reportedly said. “This is holy war! Waiting till cool November nights is cowardice. They should all be dropped into the sun right now!”

The famed Colonel Strelkov was also skeptical that the current plan would be sufficient to get the job done. (Editor’s note: Colonel Strelkov is the nom de guerre adopted by one Igor Girkin. He chose the to adopt the name “Strelkov” in the hope of emulating his hero and mentor, Strelka the heroic Soviet space dog, who successfully flew to orbit and back in 1960. As a result, he is widely considered an expert on cosmonautic military operations.) “What is the HELL thinking?” he exclaimed. “The sun has a surface area ten thousand times that of the Earth. Three hundred thousand volunteers are nowhere near enough to place it under secure occupation. We need a general mobilization to send thirty million to the sun. Not a step back! There is no land behind the photosphere! Victory or death!”

As expected, the Kyiv regime leader Volodymyr Zelensky, denounced the move, claiming, without any justification whatsoever, that if Russia were to cut off sunlight to the earth crop failures could result causing mass starvation in poor countries. This nonsense, however, was soundly refuted by German Green Party leader Annalena Baerbock, who pointed out that a cutoff of sunlight was exactly what the world needs to counter the existential threat of global warming.

Amnesty International head Agnès Callamard was also quick to debunk Zelensky’s hysteria, noting that any reduction of sunlight that might occur should be blamed first and foremost on the Ukrainian Army, which has been darkening the atmosphere with smoke generated by firing its guns.

American leaders were more circumspect. Speaking to CNN, Biden administration National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan commented “We don’t like the move. But we don’t want to provoke Russia. So, we are not going to respond. However, Russia should know that we are prepared to defend every inch of every country, planet, or star, anywhere in the universe, that it does not attack.”

Dr. Robert Zubrin @robert_zubrin is an American aerospace engineer. His latest book, The Case for Space, was recently published by Prometheus Books.

The views expressed in this tongue on cheek article are the author’s and not necessarily those of the Kyiv Post.